


But Boy I Need to Get You Off my Mind

by Jay_isnotokay



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Coming Out, Depression, Fluff and Angst, M/M, and ashton is oblivious lmao, calum is a sad boi, its so damn cute tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-23 20:29:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30061125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jay_isnotokay/pseuds/Jay_isnotokay
Summary: All it took was him finding love to send Calum's world crashing down.~Or Calum has a big secret that he can’t tell anyone. At least, he thought he couldn’t tell anyone.
Relationships: Calum Hood/Ashton Irwin
Kudos: 10





	But Boy I Need to Get You Off my Mind

**Author's Note:**

> hi! so i don’t typically write angst so this was definitely a challenge but i love this fic so much. i hope you love it too!!

All it took was him finding love to send Calum's world crashing down.

Calum kept everything secret. He liked his mystery, even if it was off-putting to some people. It was in his character, the anonymity of his life. Though, he didn't realise that it might be a problem until he started keep secrets from his best friends. The people he trusted most.

From the beginning of the band, Calum was always an open book when it came to his boys. These were the people he did everything with, and it felt wrong to keep anything from them. Michael and Luke were Calum's rock, but Ashton. Ashton was his backbone. Without Ashton, Calum truly didn't think that he would've stayed in the band for long. Ashton and Calum were inseparable from day one; Luke and Michael couldn't even figure it out. It was always Cal and Ash. And Calum loved life like that.

He made a vow to himself a long time ago to tell his his buddies everything, even if it hurt him to do so. He never thought he'd break it, but that was before he grew up, knew himself better. And once that happened, secrets upon secrets started piling up. Nobody had to know, he thought, and besides, some things were better kept private. But there was one thing, something bigger than Calum could imagine, that made him completely shut down.

Calum liked men.

And Calum was in love with Ashton.

And there's nothing he could do about it.

The press couldn't know. Management couldn't know. The band couldn't know. No one could know anything about Calum's love for boys, specifically Ashton. It would break the band, he was sure. This secret had to follow him to grave.

But it was miserable. He could barely have a pint without completely dissociating, and he was sure the boys could notice the pain on his face. Watching his friends be free and have fun like people in their twenties do made Calum feel numb. He wanted to be like them so bad, and he wanted things to be the way they were, but everything was too risky. He couldn't let any hints slip.

Talking to the boys became full of effort. Hell, leaving his bed became full of effort. And he couldn't even look at Ashton anymore. It hurt seeing Ashton interact with anyone that wasn't him, but Calum couldn't talk to Ash, even if he wanted to. Suppressing was easier, and as long as his secret was kept, it was fine.

~

It didn't take long for Ashton to realise Calum's dismissive behaviour. Getting Calum to even smile was a chore, and Calum knew it killed Ashton to see. He could see how hard Ashton was trying to help, but Calum couldn't do anything about himself. It was breaking Ashton, Calum knew that, but what was he to do?

It wasn't until Ashton pulled Calum to the side, and genuinely asked him what's wrong, did Calum realise that everyone could notice. Calum said nothing, he was fine, everything was fine. Ashton could see through him easily, and Calum knew Ashton wasn't going anywhere until he got the truth. Ashton asked again, and Calum said stress, and that was the end of it. Ashton sighed, got up, and left. And Calum broke down, crying himself to sleep that night.

Calum wasn't keeping secrets now, he was lying.

And it hurt no one but himself.

~

For a few months, he kept up these lies. Suppressing was easy, but lying was easier. The boys still knew Calum wasn't okay, but, at this point, they'd stopped asking. Calum was fine with that; his inner torment was his, not Luke's, not Michael's, and especially not Ashton's.

~

And, for a while, Calum was...okay. Once the boys stopped worrying about Calum, he felt like he could finally live with his secret in peace. As the days went by, he started seeing Ashton less and less, and he genuinely couldn't tell if that was good or bad. He knew he missed Ashton so much, so much it was killing him, but maybe it was better to not see Ashton. Maybe Calum just needed to fall out of love with Ashton.

And then, KayKay happened.

And all it took was him finding love to send Calum's world crashing down.

Calum knew KayKay, and he knew she and Ashton were close, and he should've known that if he didn't confess everything he'd been thinking for the past year, they were going to get together. And Calum was angry. And it showed in his performances. Fans were noticing the tightness in his grip as he held his bass. They could feel the emotion in his voice. It was written all over his face.

And Ashton was noticing.

And Calum could tell how much it was breaking him.

"Calum, please. Just talk to me." Ashton pleaded. He pulled Calum aside after a particularly rough show. Calum had messed up lyrics, and his fingers stumbled over notes like he'd never touched a guitar in his life.

"It's nothing, Ashton. I'm fine, as always." Calum mumbled coldly, stripping himself of his thick jacket. He felt that familiar lump in his throat as he folded the article of clothing and sat it on one of the chairs in the room.

"It's not nothing, Cal. I can read you like a book. Something's up, something's been up for a long time, and I wanna help you so bad." Ashton sighed exasperatedly, his voice breaking every other word. Calum flinched as Ashton spoke to him, turning his back to Ashton so he couldn't see his face.

"I'm fine. Nothing's up. I'm just tired." Calum replied. He couldn't tell Ashton. He just couldn't.

"That's not gonna work this time, Cal. We're worried about you." Ashton stepped up to Calum, putting his hand on Calum's shoulder. Calum winced, going to shove the hand of him, "What happened to telling us anything, bro?"

Calum broke.

"That's just it! I'm only a 'bro' to you! And that's all I'll ever be..." Calum yelled, sobs breaking up his speech, hand entangled in his hair.

"I don't...I don't understand." Ashton whispered.

"I'm gay, Ash!" Calum yelled louder as he turned to face Ashton, tear staining his face as he breathed heavily. "I like men, and I like you, alright?! There, that's what I've been hiding."

Calum had said it. It was too late to take it back. It was already in the open. And he wanted to run away. He wanted to hide. He wanted to be in front of anyone but Ashton. And yet, here he was, in a room with Ashton blocking the door. There was no escape.

"...that's it, Cal? You're gay, and you like me? That's what's been plaguing your thoughts? That's what's been eating you up inside?" Ashton took a step closer to Calum, putting his hand back on Calum's shoulder.

"That's it. I'm sorry..." Calum sobbed the last sentence, his head falling down in shame.

His cries were guttural. His throat was becoming raw with every noise that left his chest. His breathing was so irregular that he was becoming lightheaded.

And then Ashton pulled him in for hug.

And Calum melted into the touch instantaneously.

"Sorry for what? You can't help who you love. I'm not mad at you. I could never be." Ashton mumbled into Calum's shoulder, holding the shaking man so tightly his hands hurt.

"I'm so lonely, Ash. Michael and Crystal, Luke and Sierra, you and KayKay, and then there's me. The closeted gay one, the one with nobody. I'm all alone and it sucks because I don't want to be." Calum whimpered.

"Alone? You have me. I've always been here, Cal. Regardless of anything, I'll always be here. You're my best friend." Ashton whispered back, "Besides, me and KayKay aren't serious. It was a one night stand that turned into multiple nights. I've never considered as my partner, and neither has she. It makes good press, but that's it and that's all it ever was. Press."

"You're still straight, Ashton. You can say all of this, but at the end of the day, you're still straight."

There was a pause, Calum assumed that was that. He'd said his peace, and Ashton had heard it. Until Ashton started giggling.

"No I'm not."

"What?"

"Calum, I'm not straight. When have I ever been?"

Calum head shot up, his cheeks wet and his eyes red. Confusion was written all over his face.

"Y-you're not? And you haven't been? This is news to me."

"Are you serious? Do you not remember your birthday from 4 years ago? We all got blackout drunk and I straight up said I like everybody." Ashton raised an eyebrow.

"You said "remember" and "blackout drunk" within two sentences of each other. Do you think I remember that?" Calum said sarcastically.

"I mean, it was a pretty big moment. I would expect for you to have some recollection of it." Ashton grabbed Calum's shoulders, causing the dark haired man to lift his head up to look at Ashton. "Regardless of that, you should've told me. Nothing could ever make me think less of you. That is, of course, you did something heinous. But being gay isn't a crime. Falling for someone isn't a crime. Being who are isn't a crime."

Calum let the tears fall. He tucked his face back in Ashton's neck, accepting the tight squeeze Ashton gave.

"I don't know what this means for us now, but I am always here for you, Cal." Ashton whispered quietly, "But you can't keep secrets like that anymore. It hurts me to see you hurting."

"I won't, I'm sorry. Just please don't the other boys yet. I'm not ready."

"Of course, your secret is safe with me, as long as you promise me that you will tell them eventually. They want you better just as much as I do."

"I promise."

~

A few weeks go by and Calum becomes himself again. Going out with the boys more often, smiling more often, and, most importantly, talking to Ashton more often. The two would stay in each other hotel rooms, chatting about nothing and everything into the late hours of the night. It reminded Calum of the early years of the band; he had missed the feeling.

The shows were improving by landslides, and it was starting to show him just how much holding that secret back was controlling his life. He hadn't felt this content in over a year, and losing that time to something so trivial in hindsight-it was almost embarrassing.

But it was time to let everyone else know.

Calum knew very well that the band wasn't homophobic, but he was more worried about the "being in love with a band mate" part. That part could destroy the band. And that was the last thing Calum wanted.

"Ash?" Calum asked on a late night at Ashton's house. Since they weren't touring, he was able to spend a lot more time with the older man, which he couldn't complain about.

"Yes, Cal?" Ashton looked up from his phone into Calum's deep brown eyes. His stare was always so intense, maybe it's what drew Calum to him.

"Would you be there when I tell Michael and Luke? Like, moral support?" Asked Calum, shyly.

"I was gonna do that anyway, love." Ashton laughed, and Calum swooned at the name.

The two sat in silence for a while, a comfortable silence, leaving Calum with his thoughts. He stared at Ashton as he scrolled through his phone. Staring at the way his black hair contrasted his fair skin, examining the way his eyelashes fluttered against his face as he blinked, studied the way the dimple indented his cheek as he laughed at something funny.

And Calum decided he couldn't take it anymore.

"Can I ask you something else?"

"Anything at all."

The nerves set in at this point. 

"I know you just ended your thing with KayKay..."

Calum didn't even know what he was trying to say exactly.

Ashton smiled brightly at Calum, turning his full attention to him, "What's on your mind?"

Calum didn't know.

"Never mind. Forget about it."

"Are you sure? We can talk-"

Calum had fucked it up.

"No no, it's fine. Thanks for being there for me, with coming out and everything." Calum smiled falsely. He couldn't take it, but he wasn't ready. It would just have to be awkward until he was.

"You're my best friend, Cal. I would do anything for you, as long as it didn't require me going to jail." Ashton laughed, yawning quickly afterwards, "It's 2 AM. We should hit the hay."

"You're right. We'll tell the boys tomorrow." Calum muttered as he got up, ready to go seek the couch he was gonna sleep on.

"Where are you going?"

"To your couch? As always?"

"Nonsense. Lay down. You can sleep in here." Ashton gave Calum an incredulous look like he didn't know what the younger boy was talking about.

Calum stared in shock, but got back into the bed without question, "Um, thanks?"

"Don't mention it. Besides, I know how uncomfortable that couch is. It took me sleeping on it one night to figure that out."

And as Calum fell asleep that night, he realised that maybe he was ready to tell Ashton.

~

The next morning arrived, and Calum was antsy. He knew in his soul that, today, he was going to be the most transparent he had been with his friends in the past year. He was going to speak his truth. To everyone. Including Ashton.

"So, you ready for this Calum?" Ashton asked from the bathroom, fixing his hair in the mirror.

Calum opened his mouth to lie, to say that he was so ready and excited. But he'd committed to being honest. He couldn't be deceitful to Ashton anymore.

"To be completely honest, no. I'm not ready. But it's not really an option, huh?" Calum sighed as he slid on an over sized hoodie.

"I'm afraid not, love." Ashton laughed, patting Calum's shoulder as he left the bathroom. That pet name still made him shudder, "Now, slip your shoes on. We gotta head to Mikey's."

~

The entire car ride to Michael's house was hell. The butterflies in Calum's stomach becoming knots quickly as the drive continued. His hands were shaking and sweaty. He could feel his face getting hotter.

"Calum, everything is going to be fine. Don't stress it." Ashton put a protective hand on Calum's leg. And it stayed there for the rest of the way. And Calum felt calm for the first time since he got in the car.

~

"Alright, don't leave us hanging. What's the news?" Michael asked, clearly nervous himself.

The four of them were sat around the dining room table, Luke and Michael sat across from Ashton and Calum. Ashton held Calum's hand under the table, shielding it from sight.

"Well, um, guys. I..." He couldn't say it, he wasn't ready, it wasn't the right time.

"What did you do, bro? Did you get arrested?" Luke laughed anxoiusly. Calum knew he was trying to keep things lighthearted but everyone knew it wasn't working.

"I, um. So..." You cut the tension in the room with a knife, Calum was suffocating in it.

"You...got someone pregnant? Come on, Cal, spit it out." Michael stressed the the last part of his sentence. Calum could feel the frustration in his voice. He needed to swallow his pride and just say it.

"I..." He took a deep breath and shut his eyes tightly, "I'm gay. And I am so madly in love with Ashton that I can't take it. And I know he doesn't feel the same butterflies I feel when he looks at me. And he doesn't get choked up when he talks to me. And he doesn't feel something when he's around me. But I can't shake the feeling. How could I when its been this way for almost two years? I know this has the potential to break the band, and that's the last thing I want, but I can't keep hiding things from the people who matter most to me."

Calum didn't open his eyes. He couldn't see the looks on their faces. It would be too much.

"That's why everything has been so weird for a while?" Luke questioned quietly. Calum only nodded, feeling his face get warm.

"Oh Cal, you know we don't give a shit about things like that." Michael shook his head as he stood up to walk around the table, wrapping his arms around Calum. "And who cares if you like Ashton? That's not something to end the band over. You are absolutely valid and we still love you just the same. Nothing will ever change that, unless you, like, kill somebody."

Calum let out a watery laugh, accepting the hug. He felt the grip on his hand tighten, which is what invetitably made his eyes open and look down in his lap. He didn't know what it meant exactly, but it made him feel safe. Safer than he ever had.

~

"Oh my god, it feels good to have gotten that off my chest." Calum sighed as he plopped himself onto Ashton's bed.

The two had gotten back to Ashton's house very late, Luke and Michael insisting that they needed to have a "guys day" to celebrate Calum's coming out. It felt nice to hang with his best friends again, he hadn't felt that free in a while.

"I bet, Cally." Ashton laughed, jumping on the bed right beside Calum, attempting to play wrestle him.

"Ew, you know I hate that name." Calum giggled, shoving the older man back and playing into his game.

The two tussled for a little, roughhousing like they used to when they were teens. Calum missed this. He missed it so much. He vowed to never lose it again.

"You're such a dweeb." Ashton laughed, panting as he rolled off of Calum.

"No, that's definitely you." Calum laid on his back beside Ashton, staring at the ceiling as he caught he breath.

And there was that comfortable silence again. Calum closed his eyes peacefully, not with intention of sleeping but he wouldn't fight it if it came. 

"Calum, can we talk about what you said earlier?" Ashton spoke suddenly.

Calum's heart rate sped up at those words. He knew he would have to talk about it eventually, but right now felt too soon.

"Oh that? I didn't mean to say it in front of the boys. Just kinda slipped out of my mouth. They probably think I'm crazy now, huh?" Even Calum could hear the stress in his voice as rambled all over the place.

"Why are you already so defensive, Cal?" Ashton chuckled as he sat up on his elbows to look Calum in the eyes.

"You make me nervous, Ash." And, God, wasn't that the truth?

"And that's something I want to talk about. Calum, you were wrong about me." And, God, what did that mean?

"Wrong about you? Elaborate."

"Calum, I do feel butterflies I look at you. I do get choked up when I talk to you. I do feel something when I'm around you. Nothing that I've ever felt around anyone. I don't want to make you nervous because you already make me nervous. And we can't both be nervous because then nothing gets done." Ashton laughed quietly. Calum freaked out quietly. "I know what you were gonna ask me last night. And I was so sad when you gave up. I want you just as much as you want me, and I was hoping you'd notice all the hints I was dropping."

"So you're telling me you don't call everyone 'love' and hold their hands and let them sleep in your bed beside you? That's news to me." Calum chuckled dryly, praying that Ashton couldn't hear the shakiness in his voice.

"Of course not. It's only for you, Cal. I could never do it for someone else because all I want is you. It's honestly so relieving that I now know you feel the same." Ashton was staring into Calum's soul now. Calum couldn't believe this was happening.

"So what are you saying?"

Ashton rolled his eyes playfully before leaning down and pressing the gentlest kiss on Calum's lips. And Calum learned that the fairytales were right. Sparks do fly. Calum felt the electricity as their lips met, and, though he was shocked, he kissed back almost instantaneously. 

"I'm saying that I love you. And I want you. And that kiss was really fucking good and I want to do it again." Ashton giggled against Calum's mouth before Calum pulled him into another kiss.

"'I love you'? Not in a platonic way though, right?" Calum needed clarification. Or maybe just a reality check. The fact that this was happening was so outlandish that it didn't feel even remotely real.

"Duh, not in a platonic way, dumb dumb. Friends don't kiss like this." Ashton rolled his eyes again, Calum blushing at the sight.

"So we're not friends anymore?"

"We still are friends. But we're also together now. We're dating, like boyfriends and shit." Ashton brushed the curls from Calum's eyes. Calum smiled radiantly at the man above him, wondering how he got

And all it took was him finding love for Calum to realise, he was in love too. 

**Author's Note:**

> should i make another part to this? i’m really debating doing it lmao


End file.
